


Ready or Not

by jaemrenj



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Eventual Romance, Fluff, M/M, a lot of mentioned ships within nct bc i can, apparently its just luren now, charot, jisung honorary mention, pining renjun bc he is capable, slight jaemren markren and lukren bc they all lov renjun n i miss them, the members are more mentioned bc this story doesnt concern them, the relationships are within nct because thats a rule
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-19 00:29:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19345834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemrenj/pseuds/jaemrenj
Summary: renjun is sick of his crushes not returning the favor. but most importantly, and this one he's the most sick of, is jeno and his 24/7 eye smiles.





	1. you're not the one, you're the only one

**Author's Note:**

> renjun!! is absolutely fully capable of pining!! and what? crush lists?? grow up renjun!
> 
> i made this on a whim theres barely anything... im sorry to anyone who ends up reading this ahahaha  
> this may be chaptered.

“Lucas!” Renjun exclaims, quickly grabbing his pen and scribbling the man’s name down in his notepad as if any second longer that he doesn’t, he’ll forget it, “I cannot believe I forgot about him.”

“He’s like,” Donghyuck stands up from where he’s seated across Renjun to peer down at his pad and counts the number of bullet points the boy has already made, “The eighth guy on your list. I wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot about him.”

“But, I shouldn’t! How could I even forget about how he grabbed me by the waist so I could sit on his lap,” Renjun shakes at the memory, can’t seem to figure it out what went in the older boy’s mind to do such a thing and expect for him not to think about it for days, “And eight?! That’s all I have? I remember having more.”

The Chinese boy closes his eyes, thinking hard about all the boys he’s met that he knows for sure would make it to his crush list but to his dismay, his brain could no longer provide him any more names and he pouts. It definitely doesn’t feel like he only has eight crushes.

“I have to agree with you on that one. I do remember you had more,” the tanned boy says as he yet again, takes his notepad away from him to scan its content, “Let’s see… Sicheng, Hendery, Junhui, Mark, Xioajun, Jaemin.... _No way._ Johnny too? I would not have expected that.. And, Lucas. Huh, that’s really eight in total.”

“Do you remember anyone else?” Renjun asks his bestfriend, almost pleading him to actually come up with a name because there’s just no way he only has 8 crushes. 

“Kun?”

“That’s my cousin, you sick idiot!” Renjun probably shouldn’t have done what he did but he figures standing up to flick Donghyuck in the forehead is worth the effort.

“Ten then?”

“Actually… I think he and Johnny are dating. Fuck, that leaves me seven! That’s even more alarming! Donghyuck give me more!” Scratching out Johnny’s name from the list, Renjun looks up at Donghyuck, waiting for a name and hoping to god that it clicks something in him and becomes the newest addition to his now crusty list.

“You don’t like girls, right?” Renjun pauses to think and assess himself. He doesn’t really remember having crushes on girls nor has he thought about any girl that way actually but he still feels that there’s still that possibility. After all, his cousin _is_ an example except he’s liked girls all his life but is now dating Doyoung, his other bestfriend's brother, “Haven’t really thought about it but so far, I don’t like girls….hopefully.”

“Hopefully,” Donghyuck drawls out and throwing his head back in laughter, “Dude, you’re just gay.”

“Focus, Donghyuck! Give me a name!”

“Okay what the hell. I’m just gonna list a bunch of names and just stop me if something rings a bell,” Donghyuck instructs scrolling through his contact list where the names he’ll be mentioning will come from, “So we have.. Yangyang, Yuta, Jisung, Chenle, Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Jungwoo. That’s it man, I can’t give you any more.”

Glaring at his bestfriend, Renjun rises from his seat to sit on the table, calmly discarding the trays to give him room but never leaving his eyes off of the other,

“First of all, Yanyang is _your_ boyfriend, you doofus.” A whack on the head, “Jisung and Chenle are my babies! You’re so weird,” Another whack, “There are rumors of Taeyong and Yuta getting it on and Jaehyun… Shit, Jaehyun might be pining for Sicheng and Jungwoo.. I don’t even know him.” And, a final whack.

“You’re on thin ice for the whacking-vaganza, Huang Renjun. You said so yourself, Yangyang is _my_ boyfriend and if he hears about this, you are dead.” Donghyuck does a grotesque gesture but Renjun just gets back to his seat, his bestfriend's threat deliberately not digested.

 “Fight your own battles, coward.”

“I have Yangyang to do that for me,” Donghyuck sticks his tongue out and Renjun only rolls his eyes. There was a time when Donghyuck would not back down from a fight even when the odds of him winning it are against him. But ever since he and Yangyang got together, he’s become boring and not fun to bicker with just because he revels in looking scared to hide in Yangyang’s arms. They make Renjun sick and if it weren't for the fact that Xiaojun is Yangyang's bestfriend who is literally arounnd him all the time, he would've left the two in their own sickening bubble.

“I guess I only have seven. Maybe six crushes now, huh?”

“Six is good enough because you know, at the end of the day, you’ll only need one.” Donghyuck reminds him just incase he’s forgotten in all the chaos of him looking for names to fill up his notepad. He hears something else but Renjun just doesn't have the time to read between the lines, “Unless you’re into polygamy.”

“I’m not and I know okay? But for now that I don’t have that one yet, I want to have 10! 13? Maybe 18 max.”

Donghyuck looks at him in disbelief knowing that if Renjun's set on something, there's really no way of stopping him. Even if it's to crush on 18 boys. God, does anybody in college even have time for that anymore?

“You’re crazy, Jun. 18 is a fucking lot!”

“I said what I said,” Renjun huffs, his arms crossed across his chest, “But I need to have 12 more if I want that which I clearly don’t. _God_ , where are all the men?!”

“Why’re you looking for me?” There’s really no need for the newcomer to introduce himself so Donghyuck and Renjun doesn’t spare him as much of a sideways glance. The boy frowns at the response, or the lack thereof, so he takes a seat beside Renjun, scraping the chair it intentionally makes a quick screeching noise it irks Renjun for a second before making a show of looking back and forth at him and Donghyuck, clearly wanting to be filled in with the latest discussion of the two.

“You’re not men at all, Jeno” Renjun sighs turning to face him where he spots what was probably remnants of chocolate cake beneath his lower lip, “Wipe that mess off of your face you big baby.”

Jeno raises an eyebrow and Renjun takes it as a cue to scoot closer to wipe the dirt off himself even when he's aware that he just told him to do it. Renjun's either boyfriend deprived because when he does, his eyes looks at Jeno's lower lip and finds himself fascinated by how... _pink_ it is.

“Shit. I just asked out Hina, too. Has that been there for a long time? Is that why she said she’ll think about it first?” Jeno rambles as he takes out his phone to take a look at his reflection and see for himself if there’s any more that Renjun missed. He never misses, ofcourse and Renjun retracts his hand and places it in his lap.

“She’s probably gonna turn you down.” Donghyuck sing-songs, a wicked grin displayed on his face.

Just then, Jeno's phone lights up.

“Or, we’re on for Aladdin this weekend,” a grin just as wicked and smug is thrown to Donghyuck and the other mouths a _whatever_.

“Am I the only one that doesn’t have a date then?” Renjun groans, feeling slightly hurt now at how explicitly the world is telling him that he has no one to go on dates with. Way to go for making him feel inexplicably lonely, universe. Thanks a fucking lot. 

Jeno laughs, “Is that why you were looking for men?”

“None of your business.” Renjun shuts him down with a glare, hating that he’s having the time of his life knowing that he has no one to date with.

“Maybe, if you just zero-ed in on one of your crushes, you would actually score one” Donghyuck suggests snatching the notepad from Renjun’s hold that it makes him turn his gaze towards the boy across them suddenly in alarm.  Jeno, ever-so curious, gets up to to sit beside Donghyuck and takes a look at what’s written inside and his eyes go wide before he's chuckling to himself, Renjun figures he has finally understood what his bestfriends are on about. Renjun wished he got it back, suddenly getting embarrassed of what he and Donghyuck has made because he knows of how ridiculous it would seem to an outsider that he just made a crush list. He's in fucking college for godsakes and with the amount of papers he has yet to do, he's not supposed to have time for this. But the second he hears Jeno curse, he knew he could just wish for time to reverse.

“These your crushes, Injunnie?” Jeno asks but it comes off as more of a statement than a question, really. “Damn, I didn’t know you had the hots for Jaemin. He’s in my dance class, you know?”

“I know” Renjun points out retrieving the pad from his prying and teasing eyes, “Ever wondered why I always came to hang around?”

Jeno pouts and he does it in such an exaggerated manner Renjun just thinks it's ridiculous more than it's adorable, "I thought you came because of me."

This time, Renjun laughs. Or atleast tries to, “You wish! I literally see your face everyday, why would I want to see your face when I don't have to and could look at Jaemin and that long lashes of his that only gets longer when he closes his eyes to rest.”

“You know, I can help you with him.” he offers with a shrug, “We’re practically tight! And I definitely know he’s single and eager to mingle.”

“No thanks, Jen. I’m gonna do this on my own.” Renjun confidently states, smiling at his two bestfriends who both have on their faces two very different expressions. Donghyuck’s, he doesn’t really want to decipher but Jeno’s… Classic Jeno is giving him the same confident smile, already rooting for Renjun and his plans even when he doesn't know what they are yet because that's just a Jeno Lee thing to do. Be ever so supportive and kind and polite and everything an angel is supposed to do.

“That’s right!” Jeno gleefully says, transferring to sit beside Renjun and drape his arm around his shoulder, “And with your pretty face, one of them's bound to fall inlove with you.”

The expression on Donghyuck’s face doesn’t change.

 

* * *

 

 

Later that night, with just the company of only the Moomin plushie Jeno proudly told him he bought for Renjun the first time he got paid for his first dancing gig, Renjun takes out the notepad sighing in relief that Donghyuck, who just so happens to be his roommate at the same time, god he’s sick of his face, isn’t around. Probably on a date with Yangyang or maybe _in_ Yangyang. Renjun shudders at what he's done. He’s disgusted with himself.

He reviews the page where all previously eight names stare right back at him, recalling the moments he’s shared with all of them that got them into that list in the first place and Renjun feels his face heating up from it.

He remembers Winwin hugging him close as he tells him of how he finds him cute and on the rare times they hang out together, would force him to pose for him to take pictures of and gush about how he looked good. He remembers how Hendery would pet his head and tease him about he could do so with ease and of Junhui whose hands he accidentally grabbed not knowing that he wasn't Winwin after all and to which the older man just assured him that it was fine and he liked the feel of Renjun’s smooth hands in his anyway. He remembers how Mark would complement his singing and how he always would insist that he and Renjun sing a few songs when they meet up for karaoke sessions, of Xiaojun who just told him randomly that he was the reason he’d hang out with Yangyang when he wanted to see Donghyuck, of Jaemin who showers him with unbearable affection despite him saying that he definitely is not one for skinships. And of Johnny who’s..just tall and charming and beautiful and lastly of Lucas. If Renjun closes his eyes and thinks about the day where Lucas pulls him down by the waist, he could still feel his grip on him.

Renjun shakes his head, halting his trip down to memory lane and heads back to where he started, faces the page once again and grabbing his pen, he draws lines and tornadoes over the writing until what was carefully thought of with fond memories attached to them are hidden beneath it with the realization that regardless if he does succeed in listing down 18 names maybe even more who could potentially help him forget, it will never be enough to get his mind from thinking about one.

He then makes a new panel below it. The header still stays the same thing: **Renjun’s Crush List**

But this time, it only has one bullet point with only one name. It’s probably bound to stay that way forever too.

  * **Lee Jeno**



And for the record, Jeno was right. He does come by the dance hall for only him and if he could, he'd look at his face every chance he'd get. Admire the cold features as it turns into overbearingly adorable soft ones, see the constant eye smile plastered on his face just drawing people closer to him.

Truth be told, it's always him Renjun longs to see. 


	2. for the fickle,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Renjun’s inlove with Jeno and maybe it’s gonna take awhile for him to just stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg thank u for sparing ur time to read this aaaaaahaha  
> theres rlly nothing left to say ksjfkjskfj scream :c  
> lets go chap 2!!!!

It’s a trivial thing to think about but if Mondays are slow, then Tuesdays, for Renjun, are definitely slower. It sounds as if it’s close to Friday but is actually isn’t and it’s the very idea that it seems so that makes it dragging for him which is why he just feels restless and bored. He just wants this week to be over. Or better yet, for this weekend to not exist for reasons that definitely does not include the fact that Jeno’s going on a date with someone else.

He doesn’t feel like conversing with any of his blockmates who he knows are just discussing about the journal article they’re told to digest, exchanging ideas as it’s what they’re likely to do as soon as their professor finally joins them despite being almost half an hour late. Renjun thinks he should probably participate in the discourse for his own understanding of the material to broaden but he settles for what he’s understood, hoping that it will do. Their professor can be quite brutally critical.

Besides, there’s no point wanting to focus on the article anyway when Renjun’s mind is elsewhere, strategizing about the hows to forget the most dazzling eyesmile it will ever store in its memory.

Taking his pad out, Renjun makes out the names or what’s left of them after he aggressively draws stuff over it and he thinks it wasn't right to just phase them out like this. They deserve better and so Renjun recreates an entirely new list. There’s nothing fancy anymore as all of it went to Jeno's. It's just their names and if someone were to see this specific page, they’d probably think it was his own death note.

Thinking back to what Donghyuck said about zeroing in on one person to make things easier, he scans the names and thinks of what should stop him from flirting with them. There’s a feeling of guilt crawling up to him but he pushes it down knowing that what he’s doing is legal. Nothing like using other people without their knowledge to help him forget about his miserable crush.

He definitely can’t do it with Sicheng. Renjun respects him like he does a friend of his older brother if he had one. He can’t say he respects him like an older brother because he still finds Sicheng hot and that’ll be weird. And the other man probably sees him as a younger brother that he wants to take under his wing and Renjun’s definitely not going to ruin that for him.

Hendery’s beautiful. He has this elegant feel on him, prince-like, that Renjun just wants to adore his beauty from afar, not wanting to even think about how he would want him as his buddy-buddy he can flirt with, because if he were to come close, he’d get struck down by the MI5.

Junhui.. well they’ve only ever met twice. Once, where he made an embarrassment of himself and the next at a party where he called for Renjun and introduced him as the _small boy with the soft hands who grabbed his_ to his friend that when Renjun left, face heated at the mention of the incident, it just dawned on him of how Junhui seemed to be shooting enamoured looks at that friend who he assumes should be his boyfriend.

Mark.. definitely. He would definitely want Mark to help him and if things were to go well, then the better! They might even be something, for real. That’d be a dream. Same goes for Jaemin. And it's not being cocky, these are the two guys Renjun is allowed to be confident to say he’d want to be around with and at the same time would also enjoy his company.

As much as Renjun finds Xiaojun attractive and hot, he thinks it’d be weird that he pursue him because Donghyuck would probably think so too, he would maybe even clown him as tries to get his shot and besides, if he were to be by Xiaojun’s side, that would mean he’d probably see more of Donghyuck and Yanyang more often and he’s really not up for that.

Johnny is a no.

Lucas.. Tall and gorgeously attractive Lucas? Yes.

So basically, the boys who made it to the finals are Mark, Jaemin, and Lucas. He’s smiling at the three names but there’s that split-second where his mind thinks again and the smile is then replaced by a frown. What is he smiling at when these are the three boys he’ll invest his time fawning over because the one person he wants to give all his time is probably somewhere on the campus making out with that chick he’s score a date with. Fuck Jeno. It had to be Aladdin too. He _knew_ Renjun’s been dying to see the movie and he just chose to watch it with someone else. God, Renjun’s definitely pathetic. What even is he angry for? If Jeno doesn’t want to watch it with him, then he doesn’t. Renjun will just have to accept that. Not like he’s entitled to Jeno’s time anyway.

And that is why, he should definitely be looking into other options to get his mind off of him. If it has to develop crushes on three charming men, then Renjun would gladly do it. After all, the main goal is to forget and move on from his crush with Jeno because frankly, he’s tired.

(An alternate goal could be to actually date them, for real)

 

* * *

 

“So, how was class?” Jeno asks as soon as Renjun gets out from the amphitheatre because their professor who came in to class 45 minutes late, the longest he’s ever been, decides for them to attend a symposium that absolutely has nothing to do with their course. It startles Renjun, remembering that while Jeno did text him about coming by so they could walk to lunch together, he didn’t think he’d actually wait,

“How long were you outside?” he gets nothing but a shrug so he pauses from walking, “You didn’t have to wait, you know..”

There goes another shrug and Jeno starts walking again “That's fine, we were dismissed early anyways.”

Renjun hums, catching up to walk by his side, “But how long did you wait?”

“Does it matter?” Jeno halts and faces him with an expression Renjun knows is close to that of annoyance which he doesn’t understand. He just wants to know.

“Yeah? Cause you should’ve just told me. I could’ve let you in.” Renjun answers, calmly, still not understanding why Jeno would put himself in a situation when he knows he can’t be still in one spot, always wanting a company of another.

“I guess that slipped my mind. Although, I didn’t really wait long,” he says sheepishly, scratching the back of his head, “Maybe half an hour”

It only comes as a rushed whisper but Renjun catches on, “I’m surprised you lasted long.”

“Well, the prize of me waiting was you.”

Dumb oblivious charming Jeno. Uno.

Dumb head over heels Renjun. Zero.

Jeno says it so nonchalantly Renjun is internally fuming that he’s able to do so. But then again, even if Jeno’s able to get him tongue-tied and twisted, he’s not one to back down from flirting and his mom and sisters didn’t raise no weak bitch and so with a smirk,

“Claim your prize then”

Renjun sees Jeno’s eyes slightly grow bigger before he probably got a grip of himself as it suddenly went to becoming crescents. The little shit is smiling, “Jaemin would love that.”

 _Oh_. Right.

“I’m sure he would. Can’t wait to say it to him.” Renjun deadpans, eyes now focused on the road to lead them to the cafeteria, as if he's not familiar and that he'd get lost.

“Actually, no. You said it to me first, it’s not fair that you say the same thing to him too.” The boy nudges him and when Renjun sneaks a glance at him, there’s a pout forming on his lips.

“Pickup lines are literally recycled every now and then, Jen. And I think mine could do wonders on him, no? Like it did with you?”

Jeno stays quiet then for awhile and in that span of time, Renjun’s starting to panic on the inside but he tries his best to still look as if he just didn’t say the stupidest words and tries to prepare himself to be shut down.

“Think of something else that would do wonders on Jaemin then. What’s mine is mine.”

Now, Renjun is so close to losing what little cool he has left from the quick shift of emotions going on in his system. There’s definitely some uprising in him that wants to sit down with Jeno and school him on the things he’s supposed to say and not say and last but not the least, advice him to be mindful of the words he releases, making sure it doesn’t get a certain Huang Renjun, going ballistics.

“Just feed me.” Renjun groans, grabbing his arms to direct him to the nearest stall just so the conversation ends, because there’s no way he can comment on that anymore. Maybe he is a weak bitch too. That's the duality of a person and Renjun can live by that.

“What? You’re supposed to be feeding me! I waited 30 minutes for you!”

“And that was _my_ fault?” Renjun sarcastically asks, not even paying attention with what Jeno had to say next because he’s starving and the many variations of delicacies are staring at him, waiting to be picked and devoured by him.

In the end, Renjun and Jeno split the expenses. Donghyuck comments of how they’re acting like his parents who believe that sharing the tab on dates is definitely the way to go and Jeno laughed then, leaning to whisper in Renjun’s ears, _‘Heard that? We’re like a married couple’_

Maybe Renjun’s inlove with Jeno and maybe it’s gonna take awhile for him to just stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my married noren agenda? going strong!!!!  
> @jaemrenj on twt


	3. you hurt me (yet you're by my side)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t say I understand _your_ love yet but I know that even when we all have different views about what love is, there are common grounds all _our_ love share. It’s worth fighting for so I hope you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still dont have a full grasp abt how uni works so lets just say everything goes :)) srry  
> thank you to everyone whos read this and left kudos and comments!! thank youuu hehe it means a lot to me u have no idea so thank u once again!!  
> also has anyone listened to kyungsoos thats ok? bc i have. for 30 times now. see u kyungsoo!! stay safe

There’s a knock on the door and Renjun looks up from his papers to turn his chair around and face Donghyuck, who seems to be just as surprised as him, “It isn’t Yangyang?”

The boy in question shakes his head before grabbing his phone to check if he’s missed a message from his boyfriend, “Well, there could only be one person who’d come over.”

And indeed, right on cue, the door opens and in comes the only other person who’d come to their place unannounced even when he’s told to atleast send a text when he’s on his way to drop by.

“Hello everybody!” There’s a grin plastered on Jeno’s face and it honestly looks so bright, a contrast to their slightly dim room, the only lights coming from the desk lamps the two owns.

Renjun sighs. It’s a Wednesday and Wednesdays are supposed to be nice because they don’t have classes and most especially better when their department doesn’t randomly ask for help for another one of the many programs they always seem to hold every week. This means that he shouldn’t be in school and he’s not supposed to see Jeno’s face until later when he drops by the dance hall.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, turning back to face his desk and get back on his homework.

“Why do you knock and then still come in anyways even without our permission?” he hears Donghyuck ask irritatedly behind him and Jeno only laughs,

“Why do you always ask the same thing for whenever I do the same thing?”

“Why don’t you answer for whenever I ask the same question?” Donghyuck says back, and Renjun smiles a little. He always loves a good squabble between the two, loves to see Donghyuck in his natural element which is a luxury he only gets Yangyang isn’t around.

“I’m not here to quarrel, okay but to answer your question, it’s really simple,” Jeno pauses for dramatic effect and Renjun could only roll his eyes, “Bestfriend privileges.”

“God, you’re unbelievable” Donghyuck groans and there’s that small creaking noise from his bed which means that he’s given up with his work to rest.

“What are you doing here Jeno?” Renjun asks, because it's obvious that Donghyuck no longer plans to converse with Jeno which seems a bit weird. Has something happened between him and Yangyang? He’ll have to ask later.

“Well, I’m actually here for you” the newcomer sounds closer now so Renjun deduces that he’s taken the spot from Donghyuck’s desk which means that he’s just right behind him and maybe even looking over at what he’s doing.

“Why?”

“Well, our team’s meeting up earlier for lunch to like, get closer. I think. And I know you said you don’t need my help but just think of it as asking you out instead when actually, you’re going to get a headstart with Jaemin. Because, you know.. he’ll be there”

Renjun stops what he’s doing in an instant. Jeno honestly had him at _asking you out_ even when the sentence preceding it already seems shady but there’s a mention of Jaemin’s name and Renjun knows he no longer can concentrate on his work, knows that he’ll have to think more about Jeno insisting he takes part on Renjun’s faux goal.

“Which part about not needing your help do you not understand, Jeno?” he questions, breathing through his nose so for when he says something next, it doesn’t come off as a snap because there’s already something in him that wants to and he knows he shouldn’t.

“Well, you’re dropping by later anyways so I thought it’d just be like that except you’ll have more time to do what you have to do.”

The grip on his pen tightens and Renjun closes his eyes, wanting to be as calm as possible, because he cannot risk acting that that he’s annoyed and hurt with Jeno’s incessant attempts to help him that almost feels to him that he can’t wait for just Renjun to be with someone else so he stops hanging out with him.

“Thank you but I still have shit to do, Jen” he turns around to face the boy and when he thought Jeno was close, he’s actually even closer that all he sees is the boys’ eyes, wide in mild surprise before it goes back to its original shape. Renjun backs up a bit because there’s just no way he could converse with him when if he so much as leans the slightest bit, he’ll be kissing Jeno and while that’s a fantasy he has always allowed to dream and daydream about, it just can’t be and will remain a fantasy.

“Besides, I have plans with Lucas, so..” “You mean, Wong Yukhei?” Jeno sounds dubious and Renjun takes it as an offense.

“Why? Think he and I can’t go on dates?”

“What? No!” Jeno apologetically says quickly and Renjun almost feels bad for lying but it’s out there now and he’ll just have to stick with a lie his self-destructive mind just conjured on the spot, “You’d still drop by, right?”

“That depends, Jen.”

Nodding and pursing his lip, Jeno starts to stand up, “Okay. That’s enough for me, I think. I’m gonna go. I’ll see you later? Maybe?”

Jeno says as he stands by the doorway, wearing the softest smile, hopeful that Renjun does make an appearance and it makes his heart skip a beat, wanting nothing more but to press kisses just as soft all over his face assuring him that, _yes, I’ll be there._

Rendered speechless, Renjun just waves at him and he guesses it’s enough for Jeno because he leaves then.

“I can’t fucking stand you two” Donghyuck groans into his pillow because the walls are thin in their building and it’s only been 5 seconds since Jeno left and he would most definitely hear his bestfriend dramatically expressing his frustration.

“I can say the same for you and Yangyang” Renjun bites back but its weak and he knows so he just silently goes back to his desk still unable to shake off the image of Jeno’s smile, reminiscent of a memory he treasures so fondly.

 “You need to work that plan with Lucas, dumbass.” Fuck.

“Anyway, are you and Yangyang okay?”

“Ofcourse. I just miss him and instead I got a whole fucking Lee Jeno featuring an equally pathetic fucking Huang Renjun.”

Renjun has to stop caring.

* * *

 

For Lucas to pull Renjun onto his lap, it’d be safe to assume they hang out a lot to develop a relationship so intimate when actually, he and Lucas probably has hung out a grand total of 7 times and all with other people that sometimes, they never even get to talk alone. So it’s only fair that when Renjun’s fortunately settled at the corner of a café he frequently goes to, fortunately because this is an establishment nearest their uni and there’s almost never a vacant space, Renjun feels nervous and anxious wondering again how he got himself to this situation. He’s half an hour early to their agreed meeting time because he just needs all the time to mentally prepare himself for what’s about to commence. It’ll only be for a few hours until it’s time for him to drop by the dance hall. Okay. Maybe he’ll be able to get through this.

“Hey, Huang!” there’s a hand on his shoulder that Renjun shrieks in surprise, earning him looks from some of the people nearest their table.

“Fuck, sorry I was just-“

Lucas’ laugh cuts him off, and probably a few other people’s conversation, as he tells him that it was fine, “It’s nice to see you scared shitless.”

Renjun smiles although it feels to him that it comes off as something else but a smile because he’s not really sure how to take that one.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of seeing your pretty face?” Lucas says casually and if Renjun hated the nonchalance in some of the things Jeno says, he hates Lucas’ casualness more. Not even 10 minutes and he feels his face already going red at the dumb, below-the-belt stunt Lucas has said that he probably doesn’t mean.

“Well that’s a sight.”

Does Lucas ever shutup? Does he?

Renjun really has to say something now or he’d embarrass himself to death and he’ll never see Lucas again. _And Jeno_.

“Um, I just want to ask about Sicheng?”

“And you couldn’t ask him yourself?” There’s a teasing smile on his face that Renjun panics as his mind tries to justify its presence. _Is he making fun of me? Does he know I have a crush on him?_

“N-no. I mean, we are. It’s just, I think he’s busy and you’re his roommate and I just wanna check up on him without disturbing him and also there’s this guy named Jeno who I really really like and I want to not like him and I thought maybe if I hung out with someone else, I’ll stop liking him and I’m sorry you had to be that someone but I just really want to forget about my feelings for Jeno.”

Does Renjun ever shutup? Does he?

He and Lucas settle for a stare down contest. Renjun could also settle for someone to just punch him in the face enough for him to get a concussion where he forgets about what just happened and maybe forget about Lucas and Jeno altogether.

“So, the rumors are true then.”

What? With Renjun’s mouth partly open, it was clear to Lucas he needed him to expound on the rumors he’s talking about and Lucas leans back to his chair, as if he’s about to tell him of a riveting tale of a boy who’s cried about his crush enough that the whole university probably knows.

“Well, our circle’s small and I only ever knew it because I walked in on Xiaojun and Yangyang talk about it as you’ve probably already figured out, came from-"

“Lee Donghyuck” Renjun grits his teeth. That little traitorous chattering little shit.

“In Donghyuck’s defense, he was on a call with Yangyang where he was put on loudspeaker and I guess boyfriend privileges include talking about everything only, well, Xiaojun happened to be there and Yangyang was begging him to not tell anyone and I just walked in on that and there you go”

Renjun nods, the story trying to settle in the midst of his anger. He’s not in a relationship so maybe he can understand why Donghyuck told his boyfriend. It’s all an accident, yes. An accident caused by Yangyang’s dumbass.

“How much do you know?” Renjun queries because if he knows about his crush, maybe he knows more about the.. _quest_.

“To start off, I know about the crush, yes” Lucas begins and as he tries to say what he’s about to say next, there’s a telling fidget that Renjun knows all too well, “And I know about the Crush List and the plans regarding it.”

Motherfucker. Renjun wants to cry. He’s stupid and hopeless and pathetic and he feels so outed and ridiculed and it’s not even an hour since he and Lucas just met up.

“Hey, it’s okay. I promise everything I know won’t be shared to anyone else,” Lucas hand is now on top of his, caressing it gently, urging him through the movements that he wants Renjun to look into his eyes and Renjun does, feels warmth seep through him as he stares into Lucas’ eyes longer, believeing him, “and frankly, I’m flattered to know that you like me. Infact, I always thought you were cute so to know that you thought of me that way may have made me feel things”

Now, Renjun wouldn’t call himself a slut, but who knows?

With Lucas calming him down when he’s seconds away to a breakdown, Renjun finally relaxes and figures that maybe it’s better that Lucas knows. In that way, they’re both aware and it helps the cause, in a way. Atleast now, he’d feel a little less guilty too.

“So, how do you want this to go?” Lucas is looking at Renjun with a soft gaze that it makes him melt. He’s grateful it’s Lucas he first sought. Sicheng’s right when he talked about his roommate, he’s always down to help however way he can to whoever needs it.

“I have to meet Jeno 3 hours from now so maybe we can just watch a movie?”

 

Renjun wakes up to the smell of cologne he’s not familiar with that if he were in bed, he would’ve been lulled to sleep more by its irresistible unfamiliarity. But, he remembered that he wasn’t and as soon as he’s fully awake, it makes sense now why the scent is strong as it appears that he’s slept on Lucas’ chest who is now looking down at him with a lazy smile.

“Goodmorning, princess” he says huskily and Renjun either wants to sleep in his arms longer or run far away, “I think Jeno’s calling you.”

At the mention of the boy’s name, Renjun embarrassingly gets up quickly he reaches for his phone to see a photo he took of Jeno that he always, without fail, tells him he loved. Turning to Lucas who just shrugs, a knowing smile on his face that Renjun’s warming up, to he answers.

“Hey, Jen. What’s up?”

“Sorry, did I wake you?” there’s worry in his tone and Renjun softens at how Jeno knows him so well, picking up the fact that he just woke up indeed with the sound of his voice. And Renjun would know too, will know with the way Jeno always lets out a grunt as a sort of greeting, his voice deeper and his responses more of mumbling before it becomes coherent.

“Hey, it’s fine” Renjun reassures him, “Why’d you call?”

“Are you still with Lucas?” Renjun hums, looking at Lucas who’s now laughing at whatever it is he’s watching on his phone.

“So you won’t need me to come get you, huh?” Jeno asks although it comes cold but maybe Renjun’s just misjudged what he probably misheard as well.

“I’ll be there in 15 minutes, Jen.” He says instead and Jeno hums on the other line and he can make out the image of the other boy nodding, prolonging the phone call because he doesn’t know how to end it.

“I’ll see you then, okay? Bye” Renjun does it for him, he always does because he thinks it’s endearing that Jeno would rather the other person on the line end the call.

“Um, wait,” Jeno interjects just as Renjun’s about to hang up, “Well.. Jisung’s here and he hasn’t seen you in awhile so he says he misses you. And.. I do too. I miss you.”

Well, that’s not really what Renjun’s expecting. He and Jeno literally just saw each other in the dorms and while Jeno is fond of telling the people he’s close with such stuff, Renjun can’t make sense of it.

“All the more reason to drop by now, huh?” he says with a terse smile, “Bye, Jen.”

When he finally does end the call, he turns to Lucas who locks his phone and probably sensing that something’s wrong just as he takes a look at Renjun, he opens his arms, inviting Renjun to which the younger gladly dives into.

“Can you walk me to where they are?” Renjun asks when he untangles himself from the hold. He gets Lucas answer from his smile that bore all his pearly whites, ever so blindingly.

 

* * *

 

Once they arrive, Renjun looks up at Lucas, thanking him in the most genuine way possible that he was grateful for his chest and how he feels sorry he slept through the film as he swears that he almost never does. Lucas, in turn, tells him he’s more than welcome to hit him up if he ever just wants to use his chest as a sleeping bag and how he assures Renjun that he didn’t need to be sorry as he’s slept through it too.

“I should go now. Thanks for today, Lucas.” Renjun takes his hand out for the taller to shake and he only raises an eyebrow incredulously. He takes Renjun’s hand in his and pulls the smaller towards him, hugging him for a brief moment before he kisses his forehead which was probably a bother as he towers over Renjun. “A bonus. Jeno’s looking our way and we gotta show him you’re into other boys than him, am I right?”

Renjun is pink. He just knows it. And Lucas, the bane of how he can’t look at anyone in the eyes as he goes from pink to read because the little stunt he created bagged an audience, is walking away with the proudest smile on his face and his fist high up in the air.

“That was interesting.” Jisung says teasingly, “I didn’t know you and Lucas were dating.

“Hello to you too, Jisung. I’m great, thanks for asking.” Renjun says all in one breath, his breathing pattern going back to normal.

“Since when did you two happen?” Jaemin asks, just as provocative and Renjun has to think of a way to get himself out from the prodding.

“We’re not dating. You probably just saw it from a different more deceiving angle.” He starts, hoping that he’s making sense to his friends, “And we’re friends. He’s just clingy and he thought he’ll do the liberty of being everyone’s boyfriend.”

And then, Renjun spots Jeno right behind Jaemin so to support his claim, he calls for his attention which apparently hasn’t been on them.. _on him_ , “Jeno! Please tell them that Lucas and I aren’t dating.”

Jeno looks up from his phone with the most bored expression on his face and both boys are turned to him, trusting that as Renjun’s bestfriend, he can prove Renjun's innocence and get off his back, “Oh yeah. Renjun has the hots for Mark.”

Fuck. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea after all to rope Jeno into this.

“Mark Lee?! You mean the student council president from the College of Nursing? No fucking way?!” Jaemin has his jaw dropped and Jisung.. he’s no longer participating in the conversation, his gaze directed somewhere behind Jaemin. It could probably be Jeno but the boy’s mind wanders from time to time so Renjun can’t really tell and it just means he has only Jaemin to entertain now.

“It’s not a serious thing. I just think he’s admirable.”

Jaemin smirks, “You sound like you’re talking about a saint,” Jisung somehow gets back and quips in, agreeing that it’s possible Mark could be a saint,

“I do admire him, that’s all there is to it. Jeno’s just exaggerating.” Renjun waves his hand, in attempt to dismiss the conversation, eyes landing once again on Jeno who’s already looking at him with a deadpan before he breaks eye contact and proceeds to leave the three of them. Renjun watches him walk across the room and towards a girl, leaning in to whisper in her ears and seeing the flirtatious smile growing on the girl’s face.

“Hey, Renjun!” he hears Jisung snap and he’s thankful he did because he doesn’t know if he can watch any second longer how the girl’s hand is on Jeno’s arms because the fucker is wearing a sleeveless shirt but he couldn't really take his eyes off of them either, watching how Jeno responds with equally suggestive gestures.

“You think if I start getting closer with Lucas he’ll act the same with me too?”

Renjun mentally reminds himself to scratch Jaemin’s name off the list.

“No doubt.”

 

Jeno’s not talking to him. And at first, Renjun pays it no mind. He’s surrounded by people who all share the same passion as him, it’s understandable that he hangs out with them first. But even so, Renjun’s been here ever since Jeno desired that dancing wasn't just a hobby and he wanted to do more, participate in contests and getting his name out there in the limelight, and he always manages to talk to him for every break, complaining about how tiresome the choreography is and worrying when its being gruelling gets to him to which Renjun always pats his back, consoling him that it’s why they practice, to learn and get the choreography right, He doesn’t need to learn it right off the bat.

It shouldn’t bother Renjun because he has Jisung and Jaemin to keep him company but it does and it hurts and frankly, he’s starting to get a little ticked off too because if he’s not mistaken, it would seem that Jeno’s deliberately ignoring him too which isn’t fair because Renjun doesn’t know what he’s done for Jeno to treat him like he didn’t even ask him to be there and maybe it was because he wanted him to hit it off with Jaemin but he said he fucking _missed_ him. The least he could do, if he doesn’t even mean that at all, is to spare him a fucking glance.

“So, Jeno huh?” Jisung says beside him and Renjun’s head snaps to face the boy. “Since when did you like him?”

Renjun draws a blank. Opting to look at the younger boy instead, wondering how in the world he knew and then remembering that Jisung’s always been a keen observer. When his mind wanders, his mind thinks, putting two and two together and or just questioning everything about whatever his brilliant mind is curious about.

“That obvious, huh?” Renjun finally says, head resting on the wall, looking at the boy Jisung now knows Renjun is inlove with.

“Lucas made it hard but you can’t really look at someone with so much longing and not make it obvious”

Renjun wants to tell him that no, you just can’t tell from the way he looks at Jeno nor can you tell that it’s longing inside his eyes but he’s already figured out so there’s no point.

“So.. when did you start liking him?” the younger asks and Renjun stares at him for a moment before he smiles gently, already fond because he’s always loved remembering how he’s fallen for Jeno.

When asked how everything started, how Renjun suddenly realizes that _shit_ , he’s fallen for his bestfriend, he would trace it back to around the time Yangyang and Donghyuck were beginning to realize that they’ve fallen for each other and were ready to take things a step further than just obnoxious flirting for the two, but agonizingly cheesy for the rest.

Renjun had been the first to know about it. He was Donghyuck’s roommate after all but it still made him happy that he was his first option but really, he already knew. After awhile, Donghyuck thought it would be unfair for Jeno to not know so he calls him up, lying about how he slipped and can no longer get up. It worked because 30 minutes later, which should be impossible because the building to where the dance hall is located usually takes almost an hour from their dorm, Jeno arrives, panting as he slid down to sit on the floor, catching his breath with a promise that as soon as he’s normalized his breathing pattern, he’ll kill Donghyuck for tricking him.

Renjun was in the background then, watching as Donghyuck briefs Jeno about the situation but more so, he was watching Jeno take in the information. He watched how his eyes grew wide at the reveal before his eyes were gone into overturned crescents Renjun thought it was impossible to smile that much. But it was Jeno and while he’s already smiling as it is, he’s always loved to smile. He is then sharing the same excitement with Donghyuck who began thinking of how he would ask Yangyang out where he’d ask him to put a label on it and be his boyfriend. Jeno was so happy and it was evident in his movement as he’s even taken the liberty to list down what their bestfriend is rambling about. It was evident in his smile. At that time, Renjun thought that maybe he just really liked to see the act of Jeno smiling. Loved knowing that he was smiling at their ecstatic in love bestfriend. He remembered making a distinction between liking the act of Jeno smiling and liking Jeno’s smile alone.

(He did figure out later that he actually like both. Whatever dumb reason was behind the smile and the smile itself.)

Donghyuck had planned to make it official with Yangyang in a recording studio they had first met each other where they randomly started dancing to Mark beatboxing. Renjun and Jeno were watching from outside the control booth how Donghyuck was singing a song he wrote himself, the lyrics tells of how Donghyuck has first fallen inlove with the boy and how he’d want to be inlove with Yangyang for awhile longer to forever. It took awhile for the oblivious to realize and it would almost seem to backfire, but Donghyuck asks him advice on what he can do to improve the lyrics and the arrangement and Yangyang, in the middle of studying the melody and the lyrics, realizes it then. His sniffles and his tears were heard first before the actual yes.

Renjun had wanted to come in to congratulate the two lovebirds, but Jeno stops him and he says next would probably mark the first day of the 2 years that he’s fallen inlove for the boy with the most dazzling smile.

_“We’ll have our chance. Let them have this.”_

It’s cryptic, Renjun had thought for awhile as he mentally tells his nerves to calm down because he’s always aware when red would dust his cheeks. Jeno could have meant that they’ll have their chance, as two separate individuals with partners each. But Jeno doesn’t stop there.

_“You and me, Jun. How about it?”_

Technically, it’s still open for a lot of interpretations but Jeno was smiling at him in the most earnest hopeful way and what choice did Renjun have but to take the interpretation that only mattered?

_“To forever, I guess?”_

Jeno smiles, and he almost seemed pleased and that was how, as he revelled in his smile, two years later, Renjun’s fallen hopelessly inlove with his bestfriend.

 

“Wow.” Is the first thing that Jisung says when Renjun finishes the tale of a boy who cried Jeno.

“Is it worthy of a New York Times Bestseller?” he jokes because he feels like crying. He’s only ever told Donghyuck and for him to talk about it once again takes him back and it brings an overwhelming wave of emotions and he’s only in a small boat, not sturdy enough to protect him and would inevitably swallow him whole.

“Do you want to go?” Jisung asks, noticing the tears welling up in his eyes as he quickly shuffles to get Renjun’s bag to him, “I can’t say I understand _your_ love yet but I know that even when we all have different views about what love is, there are common grounds all _our_ love share. It’s worth fighting for so I hope you do.”

Now Renjun really wants to cry now but even while he’s fighting his tear ducts to not give up on him he’s in awe of Jisung and how he deeply understands the world.

“I’ll see you, soon? Chenle misses you.”

Renjun jumps on the younger to hug him, still holding back the tears because he’s so grateful for his presence and his words and for being smarter and wiser than he could ever be. “Tell him I miss him too. Text me when you’re both available. Let’s hang out, okay?”

Jisung nods before pushing him away to tell him to go. Laughing, Renjun does and as soon as he’s out, the humid air greeting him, a sign a heavy downpour could be coming, he regrets doing so and even wants to go back to the hall but he’d rather be in the comfort of their dorm where Donghyuck might even tend to him and nowhere near where Jeno could slap it in his face that the bullshit he said that day in the studio was all it ever is and all it could ever be. Bullshit. He wants to cry. He feels it coming closer too now that he’s alone and if the rain just decides to convenience him, he’ll cry harder.

“Renjun!”

Ofcourse, Jeno would be running after him because that’s exactly what Renjun just needs. God, since when has his life become a sobstory?

He lets Jeno catch up, not wanting him to sense that something’s wrong and that he’s the reason behind it. He doesn’t face him though even when he hears him get closer. The tears are still being held up just waiting to get triggered by the mere sight of Jeno’s face.

“You left.” Jeno’s face comes into full view and Renjun gulps back the tears. He’ll cry later.

“I forgot I needed to do a paper due tomorrow”

“Oh, okay” Jeno says quietly, “Do you want me to walk you home?”

“No, you should head back. They’re probably wondering where you are now.” Renjun tells him, looking at anywhere but his eyes.

“They know where I am and it would ease my mind to know that you’ve gone back safely.” Jeno replies, now smiling a small smile and Renjun realizes that he should not have looked at his lips too, remembering that while he loves Jeno’s eyes, his smile is what got him here in the first place, “It seems like it’s gonna rain so let’s hurry up before we get caught up in it.”

As they walked and neither of them has said a word, Renjun remembers that he was mad, wants to confront the boy at his side and ask him about why he’s been ignoring him, why is there this tension between them that’s never been there and if it’s only him who seems to notice its presence that he almost could feel it. Maybe he really wasn’t. He’s here now after all and maybe, once again, Renjun’s emotions got the best of him, always the one with the tendencies to blow things out of proportion so maybe there’s no tension as well.

The anger soon dissipates and along with it, the worries and maybe even the tears because Jeno grabs his hand, and there’s hesitance in the manner that he does so, but he’s soon gotten the confidence he needed to intertwine their hands together and it stays that way as they walk more.

When their building comes into view, Jeno strokes his thumb over his and Renjun glances at him, not intending to do so that it catches him by surprise that his reflex acted way before he could think of an appropriate and composed response. Jeno smiles, he can see the slight upward curl of the corner of his mouth and Renjun swoons. It’s shy and it’s for him. Renjun turns his attention back on the road, their dorm drawing closer and closer he almost wishes it was farther.

“Well, this is you.” Jeno says as soon as they’re stepped right infront of the building. He’s still not letting go and Renjun selfishly holds on, relishing in the feel of the way Jeno holds his hands with a grip so firm but gentle it’s almost as if the hesitance he felt didn’t exist in the first place.

“You should go back now,” Renjun says looking up at what was once a blue sky is now gray and dull, “It’s gonna rain soon.”

“Are you okay?” Jeno asks then with another stroke by his thumb and it sends tingles everywhere on Renjun’s body.

He nods with a smile meant to assure the boy that he is but Jeno just stares knowing that he’s done nothing but assure him. He brings up the free hand not holding his to tuck his unkempt hair behind his ears.

“Are _we_ okay?” The hand has now moved to hold his face, thumb stroking his cheek in slow motions that Renjun isn’t really paying attention to rationality that’s enumerating all the things wrong with the current situation they’re in.

“We are” Renjun whispers but with conviction, wanting to lean to the touch but he’s caught up with rationality now and he’s starting to realize that if Jeno can’t be mindful of what he says and what he does, then he’ll take that responsibility.

Jeno looks at him closely and just as the movement stops, Jeno removes his hand that Renjun almost chases it before he got a hold of himself. The only thing keeping them together now is their hands still holding and it won’t be long until nothing will hold them.

“Goodluck with the paper,” he says with a cheery smile before it morphs into a smile unsure, “Goodluck with Lucas.”

Renjun tries to laugh and he thinks it’s rather convincing because Jeno’s chuckling with him too, swaying their hands lightly.

“Looks like he’s the one I’m singing for in that studio”

And then there was none. Jeno had finally let him go and he instantly misses how perfectly right their slotted hands felt. But it was bound to happen anyways and all that’s left to do is to tuck this moment and the feeling that came along with it in the farthest corners of his mind knowing that only danger awaits him if he allows it to prance around in his mind palace.

He looks at Jeno’s retreating back, feels the cadence of his heartbeat ache with every second that he watches it until he no longer couldn’t and he even stays rooted on the same spot, stays even when he’s sure Jeno’s probably reached the dance hall. It’s then and there, when a drop of the awaited rain falls on his face, does Renjun allow himself to cry.

Love may be worth fighting for, but not this love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everybody say thank you jisung  
> @jaemrenj on twt


End file.
